OLW 2012

NURTURE

nur·ture/ˈnərCHər/
Verb: Care for and encourage the growth or development of

There we have it… my One Little Word for 2012… NURTURE.  There are so many things I want to nurture this year… chief among them, myself.  I’m really bad about self care.  I will go and go until I hit a wall… and that usually culminates in me sleeping for 20 hours straight and waking up feeling hung over.  I want to take time to have some “down time” and to also spend time pursuing hobbies I enjoy.

I want to nurture my son.  There are days when I feel like I’m so busy with what “has to be done” that I forget he’s the most important.  He’s growing up way too fast.  He’s funny and smart and he says I’m’ his best friend   I want to plan some time for just the two of us… fun days, not the just the two of us time that is forced because Daddy is out of town.

I want to nurture my relationship with Jim.  We’re going 90 miles an hour right now and on days when I’m putting Robert aside I’m also putting Jim aside, but probably even more so since Robert can get pretty demanding of his Mommy Time.  We need to work on carving some time out for ourselves, even if it’s just when Robert is engrossed in playing.

I want to nurture relationships with my friends.  I want to go out to coffee/lunch more and really connect instead of just keeping up with so many of them on Facebook.  I want summer bar-b-ques.

I want to nurture my relationship with my Mom.  Time is a very precious commodity with her right now and I want to make sure that every opportunity we have to connect outside of doctors visits we take.

I want to nurture my mind, body and spirit.  We test drove a new church last Sunday that is closer to our house.  I love our other church but it falls in the “geographically undesirable” category right now.  The new church was very welcoming and we liked the layout of the service and I really like that it’s more like a neighborhood church where we will have opportunities to get involved as a family.  Attending services in great but, for me, faith and religion are verbs, not nouns.

OK 2012… bring it… I’m ready to nurture in the new year.

Bring on the New

New Year… time to start new things, right?  Last year I tried the New 52 challenge – do something new every week for a year… didn’t pan out.  But that is not deterring me.  This year I have three projects…

Project 365… take a picture a day and tell the story of your year.  I’m using Cathy Zielske’s 52 Weeks digital layouts for the project.  Proud to say, it’s January 2nd and I’m on track!  Whoo hooo!  Check back the 22nd and see how it’s going. 

Speaking of Cathy Zielske, I have been following her Move More Eat Well on her blog for the past year and have been impressed.  She is offering the program as a class at Big Picture Classes so I signed up for that too.  Note to self: buy a battery for the scale tomorrow.  Jim and I are both needing (and trying to want) to get in better shape.  Let’s face it, Robert isn’t slowing down any as he ages and we’re old to begin with so it’s going to be really important for us to get in shape to keep up with him… oh yeah, and to live long enough that he can support us in our old age. 

We spent tonight discussing breakfast/lunch options.  That will also help with our goal of saving some money.  I spend an average of $4.50 a day on breakfast and $10 on lunch during the week.  That’s nearly $75 a week on crappy food… on $3,900 a year – that’s a trip for the three of us to Disney for a week folks… and that’s just me.  Add in Jim and you double that.  So, not only is it making me fat, it’s making me poor too.  Two really good reasons to make a change.  I need to get back to Sunday being my cooking day for the week because it is a pain to try to do a meal every night when we both work and things are crazy at work.  I’m also looking at using the crock pot a whole lot more.  I signed up for the meal planning tools at AllRecipes.com to see if that would help any…. especially with making the grocery list.  We shall see.

We’re still working on the Move More part of the plan.  Gym memberships just don’t work for us.  All they do is drain our budget.  Walking is one of the best exercises and it’s free.  We have a fairly deserted indoor mall five minutes from the house for inclement weather.  The big thing is figuring out can we walk together with Robert or do we need to trade off.  When the weather is nice I’d like to just walk down the big hill we live on and back up with Harley.  Lord knows she needs the exercise to help burn off all her puppy energy… she’s five and still acts like a six month old pup (that’s a Lab for you).  The big thing is just getting off our illustrious duffs and doing it.  We also have the Wii Fit that we need to put to good use.  I think Robert might have fun doing some of that with us.

My “one little word” for the year is going to be NURTURE but that’s going to have to be a whole post of its own.

Other various goals… help Robert learn his letters.  He can sing the ABCs but has some trouble with letter recognition.  We are also wanting to carve out more reading time as a family.  Whether it’s Jim and I reading and Robert doing an ebook on the iPad or LeapPad or one of us reading to him.  I want him to have a love of reading and books.

Vacation Recap

It went by too quick… way too quick!!!  Jim and I were both off starting Thursday, December 22nd.  Robert was still in school the 22nd and 23rd so we had a few days of “us” time.  It was nice.  We did some shopping, had lunch at Julian and caught up on conversation that did not include the words blaster, Storm Trooper or Luke Skywalker.

Monday I woke up at 7:22am to the phone ringing.  It was my Mom.  My heart stopped.  Then I found out she was calling to tell me that she couldn’t get the TV we took out to her on Saturday to work properly (seriously, this warranted a 7:22am phone call????)  Once I convinced her it was Monday, not Tuesday and that’s the reason I was not up yet (grrrrrr) I told her I’d be out in a few hours to look at it.  So, I drove an hour to Mom’s house.  Fixed the TV (which turned out to be an issue with her cable box, not the TV), chatted with her a bit and came home.

Tuesday I had to go to the office for a few hours.  There was a report that needed to be filed that we didn’t find out about until Thursday.  Got it filed in about an hour and came back home ready to tackle the day.  That’s when my nephew called to tell me he and Mom were on their way to the oncologist’s office.  Apparently after her LAST radiation they found her blood pressure and heart rate was up and she was dehydrated.  And, after all the food I took out Saturday and everything she had eaten, she had lost weight again!  Seriously, I gained five pounds cooking it and she lost four eating it.  So it was off to the oncologist office to make sure everything was OK.  After some IV fluids she was sent home but we had a nice hour to sit and talk while she dripped.

Wednesday we did some shopping.  We needed new chargers for the Wii remotes since that’s getting quite the workout lately.  I also had some Christmas money and wanted a new docking station/clock for the iPad.  Found one on sale at Bed, Bath & Beyond and had 20% off on top of that.  It’s nice to have a clock in the bedroom again.

Thursday the weather was beautiful.  In the 60s which is not normal for December in Kansas City so we went to the zoo.  The animals were loving the mild weather and sunshine.

Friday we met Aunt Sue for lunch while she was in the city on errands.  Afterwards we went to Zonkers for Robert to have some fun.  He loved the roller coaster.  He also introduced himself to another little boy as “Luke Skywalker”.  Jim and I were cracking up.

Aunt Sue brought us some of the oranges Uncle Ross got from Texas.  Robert had a good time making orange juice.

Saturday and Sunday were pretty much spent at home.  I entered the new year reading a book and the boys were playing the Wii.  It was low key and nice.

Today, our final day together, we got up and headed to Kaleidoscope at Crown Center this morning.  Robert had  a good time running around and did a few projects but for the most part just liked running around.

Christmas Recap

Friday morning Jim and I did our last little bit of Christmas shopping.  We got The Help DVD for my Mom and finally got a text from my nephew about a book he’d like.  We also found out that he had never seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation so we picked up a copy of that too since he HAD to watch it.

Christmas Eve we always go out to my Mom’s house.  In normal years it consists of opening gifts, going to church and then home for a prime rib dinner.  This is not a normal year but we managed to do pretty well.  I took all the food out and was determined to take things that Mom would like to eat.  We took shrimp cocktail (to toast my aunt, shrimp was her favorite), spinach artichoke dip, chicken liver pate (Jim makes it and Mom really likes it… blech), four types of cookies including Mom’s absolute favorites that she refuses to share with anyone, beef stick and cheeses to nosh on during the day.  For dinner we took brisket, potato casserole and corn soufflé. 

We got there about 11am and after everything was unloaded (the Jeep was packed between the gifts and the food and the TV we were taking out since Mom’s crapped out) we decided to open gifts.  Everyone loved their gifts.  Mom got Robert the Toy Story Rocket Ship and Donald gave him the five companion action figures so he was thrilled.  We noshed all day long (Mom ate a lot!)  We watched Christmas Vacation and Mom even got in a nap. 

Mom played Star Wars a bit with Robert and we even had a good old fashioned dominoes game after dinner.  All in all it was a good day.  I think it wore Mom out a bit but she did pretty well overall.  We also left her refrigerator fully stocked for she and Donald.

Christmas Eve it took FOREVER to get Robert to go to sleep.  He was up past midnight.  I kept telling him Santa couldn’t come if he was awake.  I actually wound up falling asleep but luckily woke up at 4am so I could make sure that Santa had made it.

When he woke up Christmas morning we told him Santa had come.  Of course, the first thing he did was grab his “blaster” to go check it out.  He was delighted with his presents… a whole lot of Star Wars, Legos, Toy Story 3 and Cars 2… with Rock Em Sock Em Robots thrown in because Mommy thought it would be fun.  The rest of the day was spent playing with toys, playing the Wii and generally relaxing.  In the midst of playing I did get a big hug and “thank you for my presents Mama!”  I love this kiddo.

It was a good Christmas Day but it was also a bit empty.  The usual the past few years has been that everyone comes over to our house in the afternoon.  With Mom too sick to come this year and my aunt gone we skipped that part.  I still stand by our decision to not leave the house on Christmas Day.  It’s something my Mom started when I was 7ish… she said it was ridiculous to get a bunch of presents Christmas morning and then be shuttled off to other places and not have a chance to play.  We would go anywhere and everywhere the days/weekends before and after but Christmas Day we were always home.

I miss my aunt so much right now it phsycally hurts.  She would have loved to watch Robert this year.  I still think, “I need to call her and tell her what Robert said…” but I can’t.  And I’m clinging to the fact that I can still call my Mom and tell her.

It Really Was Divine

One of the December Daily photo prompts was something divine.  I’m terribly behind on the whole project but I did have one for that prompt.  It’s this…

Mom was worried about how Robert was going to react to her new hair cut.  His reaction, he didn’t.  All he saw was Grandma, his favorite person.  This is within five minutes of us getting there.  He is showing her all of his Star Wars Legos.  I love that he never noticed she’s bald.  I also love that she could care less about Star Wars Legos but she listened so intently as he rambled on about each one and what they were and what they did.

Sunday I put a few “test presents” under the tree.  Robert really wanted to open them but has done pretty good about it.  Monday night he went over and stood by the tree and said, “I wonder which one I’m going to open first?”  I told him we’d find out in six days and he gave me a look that indicated Mama is a real Grinch.

Mom had her final chemo on Monday.  That is my Christmas present.  I baked cookies and reindeer bark for the staff at the doctor’s office.  I hear it got rave reviews.  Mom said that it was so nice of me to think of doing that and I told her I learned from her.  When my Dad was in the hospital she always had bags of gourmet candies in her bag to give to nurses, doctors and the cleaning staff.  Her go to was generally chocolate pastel cherries in a bag tied with a gold cord bow.  She doesn’t remember… I do.  Always treat the people with the needles nice

I had two people left on my list to get something for and both were super hard to buy for so we headed to Stuff on Tuesday night to knock them out.  I got the perfect gift for both people and was so relieved to be done!  I love that every time I’ve been in there I’ve heard one or both of the owners personally thank customers for coming in… and they gift wrap!  Whoo hoo!

On the way to Stuff in the car Robert there was some interesting conversation:
Robert:  Mama, you’re my best friend!
Me:  You’re my best friend too!
Jim:  Who is my best friend?
Robert:  It’s not me!!!
Luckily Jim’s ego is in tact and we both cracked up.

When we were driving through the Plaza I said to Robert, “Look at the lights”  His response, “They did a good job!”  Um, he’s four!

Got everything done I had on my list at the office by quitting time Wednesday.  I’m officially on 12 days of much needed vacation.  Of course, I’m still answering emails and there’s already a crisis with a report that I’ve never done in the past but has to be done by Tuesday.  The person who usually does it is in Mexico so I have a feeling I’ll be running to the office Tuesday morning to take care of things.  Everyone who works on the grant it’s for is on vacation… oh what fun.

Jim was off Wednesday and stayed home to take care of some cleaning so we could have a few days of just us while Robert is in school.  Today we did some shopping (one of use had not started yet… it’s always so much fun shopping with someone when they’re shopping for you… ugh!)  I made a reservation for us at Julian in Brookside because Jim really likes to go there and it’s a more adult restaurant so it’s easier to go without Robert.

Tomorrow we’re doing some errands and getting groceries for Christmas Eve dinner at Mom’s house.  I told her we’d just bring everything so it would be easier.  She is starting to get some taste back and really looking forward to Jim’s chicken liver pâté.  I think we’re going to do brisket, potato casserole and corn soufflé.  All things my nephew really likes.  Oh yeah… a plate of cookies for dessert and some other snacky stuff for the afternoon.   She’s getting stronger.  She still wears out pretty easy and her immune system is shot so we have to be careful about germ exposure but her attitude is really good.

Mom wanted a mail box for Christmas so we installed that last week. We put four new tired on my nephew’s Explorer last week so that’s pretty much his Christmas so Robert’s going to be the only one with anything to open.  I don’t like that.  I’m going to pick up a couple of small things for him to give Grandma and Donald tomorrow.  I want him to realize it’s just as important to give as it is to receive.  We’ll probably get The Help DVD for Mom and I don’t know what for Donald.  I texted him that I need some ideas from him by 10am tomorrow.

We had dinner with my uncle and the girlfriend tonight.  He has changed so much this year.  It really feels like I don’t know him anymore.  I miss my aunt so much and it feels like I’ve lost them both.  I have been trying to keep an open mind so that Robert doesn’t lose the relationship but quite frankly my uncle seems to be attached at the hip to this woman and doesn’t interact with Robert like he used to. 

From the Oh Crap Annals

The past two weeks have just plain sucked.  A week ago we had to put Mom in the hospital with pneumonia.  They sent her to the ER from her radiation appointment when she was too weak to do the treatment.  I was relieved to find out it was just pneumonia.  That can be cured with anti-biotic.  She only weighed 106 pounds when we checked her in.  She’s 5’7” tall.  She wound up being in the hospital for five days in Blue Springs… about 20 minutes from my office in the wrong direction.  It was a long five days for me to say the least.  She had days where she just wasn’t tracking well and I was worried we were losing ground.  We thought she was going to come home on Saturday but then she started having cardiac issues and her stay got extended.  Luckily they think they can control that with medication and she finally got home on Sunday.

It’s our busiest time of the year at work.  With five Christmas Stores for clients starting this week and trying to get all the year end reporting done before my vacation starts next Thursday coupled with more media interviews to set up and events that start before work and go past quitting time.  On top of everything else our  Executive Director resigned today. I am very saddened by the news.  He is a good man.  Board members will be on site tomorrow morning in order to communicate with us what the current plan going forward is.  There is always great fear when there is a change in leadership.  Especially in a position like mine.  A lot of times the new Executive Director will have Development people they would like to work with and it’s not uncommon for a complete turnover of the Development Staff within six months of the hiring of a new Executive Director… yee ha.  Nobody likes change.  Nobody likes uncertainty.  There are also some potential PR nightmares… so happy I am in charge of PR too… NOT!  So the next few weeks should be interesting to say the least.

Four more work days until vacation… four more work days until vacation… four more work days until vacation…

May The Force Be With Us

Robert is in love with Star Wars right now so I got him the Star Wars Lego Advent calendar.  Of course, he wanted to open all 24 of the boxes at once.  I finally convinced him that we only open one a day.  We were trying to do the boxes in order but that has already flown out the window so we’ve settled for one box a day of his choosing.  The first one he opened was Santa Yoda.  Santa Yoda has sort of become my holiday mascot.  “Slow down you will!  Feel the force!”

Sunday we went to  a Christmas and Dessert Auction for one of our offices.  They had a cake in the shape of the Death Star and Robert fell in love with it.  So we took a chance and bid on it.  And we won!  He was thrilled.  It was not the most delicious cake I’ve ever had but it thrilled my little guy so it was worth it.  I tried to get him to yell, “Yuuup!” in the auction and he wouldn’t so I had to settle for me raising his arm for him.

After enduring the first five weeks of her six week treatment course with minimal discomfort and complication week six is here and the wheels have fallen off the bus.  Yesterday was supposed to be Mom’s last chemo appointment but when she got there she was too weak and her numbers so low she was not able to do it.  She also opted to skip her radiation treatment and come home.  She lost 10 pounds last week and didn’t have ten pounds to lose.  Nothing tastes good and it’s hard to swallow.  Her hair is thinning quickly and she’s a bit miffed that apparently the brown hair is falling out quicker than the gray.

My poor nephew was beside himself yesterday.  It’s not easy for him to see my Mom sick… especially this sick.  He couldn’t get her to eat and that was frustrating him to no end.  This morning he texted to tell me she had decided to skip radiation again.  So, tonight after work instead of going home I headed to Mom’s for the night.  I stopped at the grocery store and got a wide selection of soft foods and a huge jug of protein powder.  I explained to her that I can’t make it easier to eat but at least this way we can put extra calories in what she does eat so that it will count double.

I’ve been able to do a few light chores for her and look at the air compressor for my nephew and ascertain the tire chuck has gone missing so I ordered another one.  He’s having tire troubles.  Truth is he needs new tires.  That’ll run about $500.  I don’t have an extra $500 so I got some stuff out of Mom’s basement I’ve been saving… keeping my fingers crossed that I can work some ebay magic for a little Christmas miracle for the kid.  He’s trying hard to get a job and I’m fearful at this point he might have a blow out on the way to put in applications.  Last thing we need is for him to get hurt.  He’s under so much stress right now.  He’s only 20 and he so tender hearted.  Seeing my Mom like this is tough on him but he’s really stepping up.  I know she is a difficult patient and can be downright mean and not even realize it.

I told my nephew I’d come out Saturday night and he could go hang out with friends and have some time away.  And gave him money for gas and a little pocket money.  He’s a heck of a lot cheaper than a home health nurse and the fact he is here means I can still work for now.  If Mom is doing better I’ll be back home tomorrow night.  Worst case I’ll start splitting my time between here and home one night here and one night home.  Luckily Jim is in town the rest of the year.  And if we can get this last chemo done next Monday and wrap up the radiation Thursday then Mom should start to get some of her strength back.

Luckily Robert’s Christmas is all purchased, wrapped and stashed in the basement.  99% of the rest of my shopping is done also.  I’m hoping that Friday night/Saturday we can get the tree and stockings up and maybe even get some holiday baking done.  Just having to play it by ear. 

I had hoped to get out of town for a quick weekend before Christmas but it’s not going to happen.  With work commitments it’s just not possible this year.  Jim and I are both on vacation from the 22nd through the first of the year.  The 22nd and 23rd Robert will be in preschool so I’m hoping we can plan some fun together time and do lunch, etc. 

Must Be Doing Something Right

If you ask Robert what he wants for Christmas he will tell you, “A rocket ship and Legos.”  This has been his standard response for over three weeks now so I think it’s safe to say this is what he really wants.  Specifically, he wants THIS rocket ship.

It has five action figures that coordinate with it too: Space Buzz, Space Woody, Space Rex, Zurg and a Zurgbot.

Last week I decided to go ahead and order them when I was itching to start my holiday shopping.  Today I figured out how happy I am that I did.  The rocket ship has jumped from $40 to $80.  The action figures are holding steady on price with the exception of Space Woody who has doubled in price.  I’m so glad that my boxes came Friday and they are all sitting safely in my basement waiting to be wrapped.

My Mom is going to give him the spaceship because I think she should give him his favorite gift this year.

I also scored a couple of Lego sets at Toys R Us’ buy one get one half off sale.  A new sled and Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots because I think they look like fun.

Today we went to Crown Center to try to get a photo for our Christmas Card since my other plans didn’t pan out this year.  The line for Santa was short so we decided to kill two birds with one stone.  Robert was super excited to get to see Santa in person.  He also thought that after he told Santa what he wanted he’d be able to pick it up (ooops!)

Thanksgiving Recap

It wasn’t the best Thanksgiving ever… it probably wasn’t the worst either but it was a lot different.  Mom was too weak from her treatments to think about fixing a big dinner.  But she has hostessed Thanksgiving dinner my entire life.  I literally have never had a Thanksgiving dinner anywhere but my Mom’s house.  So, I told her I would come out and cook under her direction.  That way it would still be at her house and her recipes… I was just to do the grunt work.

The weekend before Thanksgiving she called to say she was too weak to do the shopping either so I took that on too.  She also thought it would be great if I brought Robert with me Wednesday night so he could help too (oh yeah, that’s going to help me a whole lot).  She also wanted a dessert in addition to the pumpkin pie she had me get at Costco so I volunteered to make an apple crisp.

Tuesday night after I left the office I had six stops to make… Target to get new pants for Robert; Home Depot to get a new mailbox for Mom; Barnes and Noble to pick up a book I wanted to get for my aunt; CVS to get a humidifier for Mom; Hy-Vee for groceries and Toys R Us to get a little gift for Robert from Grandma.  By the time I got home I was spent and still had to make the apple crisp, pack our clothes and load the Jeep for Wednesday. 

I was peeling the apples for the apple crisp with my apple peeler and not paying attention.  I went to pull a core off prongs when my hand slipped and I wrapped my pinkie around the blade.  It was a u-shaped but and fairly deep.  Oh goodie, a trip to the ER is just what the night needed.  Three stitches later we were back home and I got the apple crisp done.

On Wednesday, I left the office at noon and went to pick up Robert.  We were at Mom’s by 1:30pm and the fun commenced.  On the agenda for Wednesday was get the potato casserole and sweet potatoes oven ready for Thursday as well as sauté all the veggies for the dressing.  Mom was in a good mood.  Robert was making sure everyone was entertained.  I thought this would be a breeze.

Thursday morning I think it finally hit Mom she was not preparing the meal and instead of being grateful that I was there doing it she got resentful of my presence in her kitchen.  It was not a fun time.  At one point I thought about leaving but knew I’d just have to come back to do the dishes.  I could do NOTHING right.  My Aunt Sue and Uncle Ross got there and she picked up on the tension but knew there was nothing she could really do.  By the time dinner made it to the table I was close to tears so I excused myself under the guise of Robert needing something. 

Everyone said the food was good… I thought so too.  Everyone had seconds.  Soon after we finished eating my aunt and uncle had to get back on the road home before it got dark.  I sent Jim and Robert home so I could start tackling the dishes.  Three dishwasher loads later they were done. 

In the meantime Mom and I had some time to talk and I told her I knew she didn’t mean to but she had really hurt my feelings.  She was truly surprised and apologized.  I know that physically she feels horrible and it is frustrating the heck out of her not being able to do what she wants.  We were able to laugh a bit and talk about some more serious stuff, like dying.  I cried the whole way home.  I missed my Aunt Barb more than ever.  If she had been there it would have been different… at the very least Mom would have been yelling at both of us and we’d have each other as a buffer.  She would have stayed until the dishes were done.  She would have let me know in the moment that everything was fine.

I talked to my Aunt Sue tonight and she told me, “I don’t want to upset you, but I see so much of Barb in you.  I couldn’t have done what you did.  You’re so caring.  It’s easy to see how close you two were.”  I really appreciate that.  Sue and I have never been particularly close.  We get along but we’ve just never had a lot of time together.  We’ve gotten a lot closer this year.  She relies on me calling her with updates on Mom that contain the real story instead of what Mom is willing to tell.

So, we survived.  It wasn’t horrible but Normal Rockwell will never paint it.  God willing, next year we’ll get back to normal.

The Results Are In…

The results from my Mom’s tests are in.  It’s not the worst case scenario… it’s the second worst case scenario.  Stage three squamous cell lung cancer.  It’s what I was expecting but I was surprised how much the words still pierced my skin when he said them.  It’s not good.  It’s inoperable and incurable.  It IS treatable.  There is HOPE that we can get her to remission with a combination of radiation and chemotherapy.  She will go tomorrow to be evaluated to see if they think that she will be able to physically tolerate the treatment.  The doctor gave no indication life-expectancy but the statistics are grim… even with treatment.  He did recognize that she is a fighter, and she is in full fight mode.

I was brave in the doctor’s office.  I cried my eyes out the minute I was locked safely in my Jeep… but then I had a meeting to go to, and a grant to deliver.  Life is not stopping because of this… I’ll settle right now for having it slow a bit.  We will know more tomorrow.  I’m not ready, but I haven’t been given a choice.