True Confessions

I never thought I would blog about this. Not that a ton of people read my blog. If you’ve found yourself here you are probably a scrapbooker who I’ve left a comment on your blog. It’s my blog… I can confess here if I want. What do I care if someone I don’t know judges me. I’m a horrible person. Mommy guilt is just about the worst thing on the planet. I’m a smoker. It’s horrible I know. I started in college, I was old enough and smart enough to know I was starting a horrible habit that is extremely hard to quit. In the past 19 years I’ve tried to quit. I’ve done the patch, the gum, the anti-depressant with the patch, the lozenge, cold turkey… you name it, I’ve tried it. I always wound up finding my way back to my old friend Marlboro. When I started a carton was $12.00 at the most… now they’re over $30.00. I’ve smoked a couple of new cars in the past 19 years. I’m a serious nicotine addict. At my worst 3 packs a day. On average 1 1/2 packs a day.

The plan was to quit smoking before I got pregnant. I was in the process of trying when my brother was killed. The first thing I did after hanging up the phone when they called to tell me was stop at Quick Trip on my way out to my Mom’s to buy a carton. Then we never got pregnant. We were beginning to think it wasn’t going to happen without major intervention so quitting didn’t seem so important… then the line turned pink. But the job was stressful and pushed me to the point of quitting… then I was stressed because I was out of work and pregnant… Marlboro was there for me. I knew that smoking was not my brightest move in pregnancy but I just couldn’t shake it. I cut back. I lied to my doctor. I felt horrible. For God’s sake I work for an agency that has a preschool for disabled and medically fragile children. I hid my smoking. I bargained with every God in the universe to please let my baby be fine. I have no karma bargaining power left… I’ve traded everything. I was so blessed with a healthy baby. No low birth weight or prematurity here. In the hospital I was smoke free but the minute we checked out I was back at Quick Trip.

I didn’t smoke in the house. I took it outside. But the mommy guilt lingers. I can’t take the guilt anymore. My Mom smoked. My brother and I were both smokers. I don’t blame her. We were both over 18 when we started. But I don’t want Robert to have a Mommy who smokes. When he’s old enough I will be blunt with him about my struggle with smoking. But hopefully by then it will be a past struggle. I’ll tell him I’ll cut off his hand if I ever find a cigarette in it.

I called the doctor today t0 make an appointment… they could see me at 2:00… I’m trying Chantix. I’ve heard great things about it. The doctor had nothing but great things to say about everyone he had prescribed it for so far. I have friends who have quit. It’s time.

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