Discombobulated

That pretty much sums up life right now.  I wish for just a few months things would settle down a bit.  Seems like every time it feels I get my footing something else comes along to bowl me over.

I love my job.  The next two months are going to be super busy but it’s a good busy.  I’m in my element.  I have SEVEN grants due in May… six of them are major ones.  I loved it when I made my monthly to-do list and saw that because I’m good at grant writing.  I LIKE grant writing.  My team had a couple of really good meetings where we solidly planned out our asks and I really felt like I had a good handle on exactly what angle I was taking on each grant.  So of course our metro-wide data base where we keep all of our statistical information got an “upgrade” three weeks ago.  Which means for three weeks I’ve been able to run NO reports.  I know what data I want, I just can’t get it to give it to me.  And every time I call to talk to tech support they tell me they are working on getting all the kinks out ASAP and they are aware of my issues.  I’m sorry but three weeks is not ASAP.  My first deadline is May 13th… I’m sweating the stats at this point.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows us that weekends are MAJOR family time around here.  Unfortunately for the past few weeks months that has meant that some things that need to get done on weekends are getting half done.  The hardwoods need a really good mopping.  The carpets need to be shampooed.  The “living” areas of the house are actually in pretty good shape right now but our bedroom and the guest room are disastrous at best.  My closet desperately needs to be weeded through.  I know that it needs to be done and I know there is a lot in there that I need to get rid of but I can’t bring myself to carve out the hour or two it would take to get it done.  I need to get better about sending the boys out on errands or to the train or the City Market and actually accomplishing something while they are gone.  Then I’ll feel less guilty when we’re riding the rides at World’s of Fun or flying the kite or checking out whatever festival is happening on the weekend. 

Yesterday I had some dental work done.  Major dental work.  Two hours in the dentist chair… they did the entire right side of my mouth… fixing problems (I have teeth the consistency of tissue paper, it’s fun) and deep cleaning.  Since my dentist is in my home town I decided to spend the night with my Mom.  I felt guilty about being away from Robert for the night but between the price of gas, the drive time and the fact that my mouth hurt it was the best decision.  My nephew was gone for the night so I was looking forward to a night of just me and my Mom… we don’t get that a lot anymore.  Within five minutes of me getting there she dropped the bomb on me.  “There was a problem with my last mammogram.  I’ll have a biopsy Tuesday… I know you’re busy so don’t worry…”  Yeah right, don’t worry.  Famous last words Mom.  We went through this almost exactly three years ago.  The fact that it’s back and in her remaining breast is troubling.  I’m very concerned that it might have spread.  I could give a shit about the seven grants, Tuesday I will be at the hospital.  And I won’t breathe for 10 days while we wait for the biopsy results.  She did open up that this one is weighing a bit harder on her in light of my aunt’s passing just a few months ago.  I’m sorry, but she is going to have to be fine, I cannot lose that much right now.  Selfish I know but it is all about me, and Robert… he needs his Grandma, and Donald and Erika need Granny and Lucas needs to get old enough to figure out how cool his great grandmother is.  And my Aunt Sue would not be able to take this either.  She told my Mom the other day, “I always just assumed we’d all go together, it never really occurred to me that one of us would die FIRST".  Which got me to thinking… my Mom is in new territory that I have traversed already.  My brother has been gone five years.  I know the loss of a sibling… which is not to take away the fact that she lost a son… I can’t imagine that pain.  But I do know the pain of losing a sibling, someone who was there your whole life.  And this would be too hard on my Uncle too.  The last time we went through this Aunt Barb was the one I leaned on.  She’s not here now.  And Mom doesn’t want anyone to know.  She’s told my nephew (he was there when she got the letter) and Aunt Sue… and now me (which I’m a little pissed about being third and finding out a week later!)

Of course Jim left on a business trip this morning so I haven’t really gotten to talk to him yet except for the cursory details and checking to make sure his trip for next week was actually cancelled.  It’s a trade show trip for him so he was on the golf course all day and now he’s at the Cosmosphere for a reception so we haven’t even been able to Skype.  He’ll be home tomorrow night sometime.

Robert is blissfully unaware anything is wrong but he is doing everything right as usual.  He wanted to play in the back yard after dinner tonight and as I pushed him on the swing with the sun coming through the tree I realized that it was a beautiful day today.  After the swing we settled into the hammock for a bit…
hammock

I blanketly hate any picture of me right now.  The weight loss… it’s back.  But I’m trying to get over it because I look through our pictures and realize some day Robert is going to look back on his life in pictures (all 4,598,931 of them) and wonder where the heck I was his whole life.  I’m hoping when he looks at this in thirty years he doesn’t think, “Boy Mom was fat and needed new make up” but rather, “My Mom was fun” or even better, “Boy she loved me”.

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