The past two weeks have just been indescribable. Really high highs, really low lows… it’s almost like the universe is conspiring to make me bi-polar.
I had a week at work where literally every time I turned around another grant announcement was coming in… to the tune of $150,000+ dollars… or over 10% of our cash fundraising goal… approximately 1/3 of my individual goal. It was so awesome.
Then Mom called to say she and my uncle had a fight. He is living with his new girlfriend and is probably going to sell his house after the first of the year. My Mom and Aunt are very upset with him for moving on so soon. I was a little shocked by it but I truly understand. And I want to continue to have a relationship with him… but he pretty much was ignoring me. I talked with my Mom, I talked with my Aunt. I told them I was going to pursue a relationship with him outside of the “family”. I had a two day conference last Thursday and Friday in his part of town so I emailed and asked if he would like to have lunch. He chose Thursday.
I was nervous. I really thought he might just show up and tell me that he didn’t want a relationship with me anymore. I hadn’t seen him since my aunt’s birthday when he told me about his girlfriend when I showed up to take him to the cemetery. I was a tad bit blind sided. I had reached out a few times to him but he was pretty short with me.
Lunch did NOT start out well. Immediately after “hello” he went on the attack. I was shocked. I’ve never seen him like that before. So, there we stood at the front of the restaurant having it out. He wanted to know if I thought he was a “dirty dog like the rest of the family”. I finally explained that obviously I didn’t or else I wouldn’t be there. I think he was afraid the lunch was just an opportunity for me to attack him so he came out swinging. His account of the run in with my Mom the Friday before was similar but not exact. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. He is upset that no one has asked if he is happy. I pointed out that I never get the luxury of speaking to him anymore and that even though I hadn’t left messages, I had at least called several times which was more than he had done. He said he didn’t want to put me in a position that I had to choose between him and my Mom. He told me that her family and friends all think that they make a nice couple. I pointed out that I haven’t been invited to meet her so I can’t say. I told him that I had talked to both Mom and Sue and told them that I was going to pursue a relationship with him outside of the family if he was willing. I also told him that I didn’t know if they would ever be able to handle his new relationship but that was up to the three of them individually and I was not going to be involved. He said he would arrange for me to meet her. I told him I wanted to meet her first before Robert was around her because it’s my job to be protective of him. We left on good terms, I thought. He finally left me a message today asking me to call him and set up a time to meet her. Of course, when I called his phone went straight to voice mail and wouldn’t take a message… ugh. So, I’ll have to email him.
Friday I got an email from my boss that we were being given ticket to the Taylor Swift concert and to contact him by 11 if we were interested. I thought it might be a fun time for Jim and I so I said sure. I texted our friend Nancy to see if she could watch Robert and she sent back, “only if you take Olivia (her 9 year old daughter)” Right after that I got a message from the boss asking if I’d like more than 2 tickets… sure… give me four! Nancy and Olivia would go to the concert with us and her husband would watch their son and Robert. Cool beans. A few hours later I got a text from the boss… he actually had six tickets, could I use the other two… sure thing. So I put it out of Facebook and a woman I met through my Mom from my home town scooped them up for her 17 year old daughter. It was really great… she couldn’t afford tickets and her daughter could really use a perk right now so it was great. I was on CLOUD 9! I love making other people happy… it’s such a great feeling to be able to share good things when they come your way.
I was on my way to the office to get the tickets when I called my Mom to tell her my good fortune. That’s when the bomb dropped.
Mom: I’m glad you called, I need to talk to you (we talk every day)
Me: OK… talk away
Mom: It needs to be face to face, when can we get together
Me: I’m on my way out there right now… give me a clue
Mom: I’ve had some test results we need to talk about
I raced out there. She’s been throwing up blood. A CAT scan showed a spot on her lung. She’s a lifelong smoker. She has had two occurrences of breast cancer in three years. I’m not stupid. She’s having a PET scan tomorrow and then will meet with the oncologist on October 5th. I’m hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
I’m feeling alone.
I miss my Aunt.
I hate that I can’t lean on my Uncle right now because Mom really doesn’t want him to know anything.
I’m trying to figure out how to juggle family, career and possibly helping with Mom’s care.
I’m having to make plans for what to do with my nephew if the worst case comes true because he lives with her.
I’ve got a ton of deadlines coming up.
I don’t sleep.
I’m smoking again (I know, really fucking intelligent)
And I’m worried that I’m going to lose it all if I don’t keep a really tight grip on things right now…