Monthly Archives: September 2011

Seriously Universe… Back Off!

The past two weeks have just been indescribable.  Really high highs, really low lows… it’s almost like the universe is conspiring to make me bi-polar.

I had a week at work where literally every time I turned around another grant announcement was coming in… to the tune of $150,000+ dollars… or over 10% of our cash fundraising goal… approximately 1/3 of my individual goal.  It was so awesome. 

Then Mom called to say she and my uncle had a fight.  He is living with his new girlfriend and is probably going to sell his house after the first of the year.  My Mom and Aunt are very upset with him for moving on so soon.  I was a little shocked by it but I truly understand.  And I want to continue to have a relationship with him… but he pretty much was ignoring me.  I talked with my Mom, I talked with my Aunt.  I told them I was going to pursue a relationship with him outside of the “family”.  I had a two day conference last Thursday and Friday in his part of town so I emailed and asked if he would like to have lunch.  He chose Thursday. 

I was nervous.  I really thought he might just show up and tell me that he didn’t want a relationship with me anymore.  I hadn’t seen him since my aunt’s birthday when he told me about his girlfriend when I showed up to take him to the cemetery.  I was a tad bit blind sided.  I had reached out a few times to him but he was pretty short with me.

Lunch did NOT start out well.  Immediately after “hello” he went on the attack.  I was shocked.  I’ve never seen him like that before.  So, there we stood at the front of the restaurant having it out.  He wanted to know if I thought he was a “dirty dog like the rest of the family”.  I finally explained that obviously I didn’t or else I wouldn’t be there.  I think he was afraid the lunch was just an opportunity for me to attack him so he came out swinging.  His account of the run in with my Mom the Friday before was similar but not exact.  I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle.  He is upset that no one has asked if he is happy.  I pointed out that I never get the luxury of speaking to him anymore and that even though I hadn’t left messages, I had at least called several times which was more than he had done.  He said he didn’t want to put me in a position that I had to choose between him and my Mom.  He told me that her family and friends all think that they make a nice couple.  I pointed out that I haven’t been invited to meet her so I can’t say.  I told him that I had talked to both Mom and Sue and told them that I was going to pursue a relationship with him outside of the family if he was willing.  I also told him that I didn’t know if they would ever be able to handle his new relationship but that was up to the three of them individually and I was not going to be involved.  He said he would arrange for me to meet her.  I told him I wanted to meet her first before Robert was around her because it’s my job to be protective of him.  We left on good terms, I thought.  He finally left me a message today asking me to call him and set up a time to meet her.  Of course, when I called his phone went straight to voice mail and wouldn’t take a message… ugh.  So, I’ll have to email him.

Friday I got an email from my boss that we were being given ticket to the Taylor Swift concert and to contact him by 11 if we were interested.  I thought it might be a fun time for Jim and I so I said sure.  I texted our friend Nancy to see if she could watch Robert and she sent back, “only if you take Olivia (her 9 year old daughter)”  Right after that I got a message from the boss asking if I’d like more than 2 tickets… sure… give me four!  Nancy and Olivia would go to the concert with us and her husband would watch their son and Robert.  Cool beans.  A few hours later I got a text from the boss… he actually had six tickets, could I use the other two… sure thing.  So I put it out of Facebook and a woman I met through my Mom from my home town scooped them up for her 17 year old daughter.  It was really great… she couldn’t afford tickets and her daughter could really use a perk right now so it was great.  I was on CLOUD 9!  I love making other people happy… it’s such a great feeling to be able to share good things when they come your way.

I was on my way to the office to get the tickets when I called my Mom to tell her my good fortune.  That’s when the bomb dropped.

Mom:  I’m glad you called, I need to talk to you (we talk every day)
Me:  OK… talk away
Mom:  It needs to be face to face, when can we get together
Me:  I’m on my way out there right now… give me a clue
Mom:  I’ve had some test results we need to talk about

I raced out there.  She’s been throwing up blood.  A CAT scan showed a spot on her lung.  She’s a lifelong smoker.  She has had two occurrences of breast cancer in three years.  I’m not stupid.  She’s having a PET scan tomorrow and then will meet with the oncologist on October 5th.  I’m hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

I’m feeling alone. 
I miss my Aunt. 
I hate that I can’t lean on my Uncle right now because Mom really doesn’t want him to know anything. 
I’m trying to figure out how to juggle family, career and possibly helping with Mom’s care. 
I’m having to make plans for what to do with my nephew if the worst case comes true because he lives with her. 
I’ve got a ton of deadlines coming up. 
I don’t sleep. 
I worry. 
I’m smoking again (I know, really fucking intelligent)
And I’m worried that I’m going to lose it all if I don’t keep a really tight grip on things right now…


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Warning… there are WAY too many pictures in this post.

Well, the athletic director from the Y replied perfectly to my email and he wanted Robert put back on the team that he was comfortable on… so we were back to being pirates.  When I got home that night and told Robert he jumped into my arms and said, “Thank you Mama!”  Little did I know how much it really meant to him.

Jim was in Amarillo last week so he missed the first game and the practice/picture night.  The first game was an adventure.  Robert didn’t understand that when they play a game there is only one ball and they all chase it.  When he finally got that, he had a really good time.

He started out pretty pysched about being goalie.FSG8FSG9

It soon became apparent the only way he would succeed as goalie is if they put a rear view mirror on it… but he was super entertaining… and in his defense, no balls got past him (or near him).FSG10FSG11FSG12FSG13FSG14

Tonight was his second game.  It took a lot of coaxing to get him to go to the game but once he got there he was in it.
If high fives are good… hugs should be better…

He was pretty aggressive at times and we had to have him tone down the hips and elbows a bit.  He and a girl from the other team tussled a bit.  At one point in the game he came running over to me (taking pictures in the end zone) and I told him the ball was the other way and he said, “I know Momma but I need to give you a hug.”  My heart melted, I hugged him and sent him on his way.

Since pictures were late they have their last game this Wednesday and I’m bummed that I can’t be there but I had a prior commitment.  I’m sure Daddy will give me a full report when I get home.

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Don’t Mess With Mama Bear

So, we show up to soccer practice tonight and they’ve decided to add another team (it’s the third practice and the last one before games).  Robert was reassigned to another team… the Dinosaurs.  He was really inattentive and belligerent all practice and kept saying/whining he wanted to go home.  We had lots of tears but I kept telling him to stick with it.  The new coach was not really good.  I don’t even know his name.  When we left Robert took his jersey off and said, “Give this to the coach.”

When bedtime came we got to the root of the problem.  The flood gates opened and my little guy told me that “the Pirates don’t like me and Coach Matt doesn’t like me”.  He didn’t understand what happened tonight so in his mind he wasn’t playing with the kids he usually did because they didn’t like him anymore.  I was pissed.  This league has been highly disorganized from the get go and now it was ripping my kids self-esteem apart.  I shot off an email to the director (who doesn’t work Wednesday nights).  I told him we’d stick with the Dinosaurs  for the games (because I think it would do more harm than good to try to switch Robert back) but that I was super disappointed that the Y didn’t realize that at this age routine is so very important.  Hopefully between now and Monday I can build up being a Dinosaur and he’ll get into playing the games since the drills are getting a bit boring and we’ll get through the season in tact.  I’m on the fence on whether or not we’ll try basketball through the Y or look for a different league… a lot depends on how they respond to my email.

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Labor Day Weekend

It wasn’t much of a restful weekend but we did manage to squeeze in some fun.  Friday night we introduced Robert to Chuck E. Cheese.  Of course, he doesn’t eat pizza so he ate fish sticks at home before we went and Jim and I ate pizza in shifts while Robert played games.  He LOVED the games.

CEC Monster TruckCEC Ride with Chuck 1

Saturday morning I had to go to the funeral of one of our volunteers at work.  She was 82 and a wonderful woman.  She always came by my desk to give me hugs on the days she worked.  After the service I went out to lunch with one of my co-workers.  It was after 1pm before I got home.  Robert really didn’t want to go anywhere so we stayed in the rest of the day.

Sunday morning I had to go work a shift at the parking lot at work collecting money for people parking to go to a local festival.  I worked with one of our board members who is hilarious once you get to know him.  Once again, I didn’t get home until 1-ish.  As you can see in the pictures above, Robert’s hair had gotten a bit out of control… but he hates haircuts.  I spent most of the afternoon suggesting he let me cut it.  He always declined.  So, I plugged the clippers in in the bathroom and had him come look… that sent him running to his room.  So, after I unlocked the door and let myself in I asked him if he wanted to go play the games at Chuck E. Cheeses… he said, “YES!”.  “Fine, you have to let Mommy cut your hair with the clippers and then we’ll go.”  “Clippers?  I love clippers!” as he ran to the bathroom.  Huh?  He hates clippers… little shit.  So, I buzzed him with Jim’s assistance and we headed out the Chuck E. Cheeses with my coupon in hand… 80 tokens for $15… same as what the hair cut costs after I way over tip the hair stylist due to his horrid behavior.

In the car on the way there he realized his hair was gone…

Hair Cut 1

Hair Cut 2

The games and rides were a huge hit once again.

CEC Horse 1CEC Horse 2CEC Horse 3

CEC Ride with Chuck2

He also discovered his love for air hockey (my favorite!)



Today we headed out to World’s of Fun and Robert was FINALLY tall enough to ride a big roller coaster.  The Spinning Dragon.  He loved almost every minute of it.  There were a few moments of concern on his face but for the most part he loved it and wanted to go again.

In other news.  My uncle is dating.  I found out about it a few weeks ago when I went to pick him up to go to the cemetery on my aunt’s birthday (which also happens to be the six month anniversary of her death).  Apparently he had told my Mom and my other aunt about a month before.  My head knows this is a good thing, blah, blah, blah.  My heart is not so ready.  Doesn’t help that he is never home when I call anymore.  I don’t leave messages because it’s never anything important… but it hurts that he doesn’t call me either.  I’m afraid that this could wind up tearing our family apart (he is an uncle by marriage technically).  I’m afraid that he is avoiding mourning by replacing.  I’m afraid this is hurting my mom and my aunt.  There are some family things coming up and I don’t know how they are going to go… namely Robert’s birthday party that is supposed to be at his house and the dedication of a swing at the children’s farm in my aunt’s memory.  Lord I hope he’s smart enough to not invite the girlfriend.  I need to talk to my aunt about this but she isn’t here… and I’m lost.  I don’t want to lose my uncle but I won’t stand against my mom and my aunt if push comes to shove.  Please, Jesus, don’t let him marry this woman.

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